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iPhone mania

August 26, 2011 18 comments

(This is the text of the speech I delivered at the Humorous Speech & evaluation contest of Bishan Toastmasters Club)

Can I have a show of hands – How many of you are married?
Well, the rest of you – what about you? – don’t worry – i wont tell anyone else.
Alright, alright… I will tell you  — ALL OF YOU ARE MARRIED – married to technology

Contest Chair, Judges, Fellow Toastmasters and friends –

Our generation is a wired generation exposed to so many gadgets like laptops, netbooks, ipads, smartphones and social media that we are all wedded to technology.

This morning as I was coming by the train .. I saw everyone was looking at their gadgets, toying with them, fondling them and staring at them with such fascination that it would put your friend to shame.

Then I went into a dream world.  I imagined that in a few years from now – Steve Jobs, Marc Zuckerberg and Larry Page would have an additional responsibility – as marriage counsellors.
And I imagined how my marriage would be solemnised by Steve Jobs.

Do you take this iPhone to be your wedded wife?
Yes I do

Will you feed her with juice everyday?
Juice
Yes – 230V of power supply
Yes I will

Will you take care of her today, tomorrow and forever?
Yes, I always take good care of her

Will you keep her close to your heart?
Yes, I always keep her in my shirt pocket.

What if some  sweet, sexy and charming model calling herself iPhone5   were to cross your path one day?  Do you promise that you will not ogle at her, not even touch her
Yes, I promise(wink)

Ok. Now I pronounce you man and wife.  

After the wedding, it was our first night.  I was head over heels in love with her – all excited.  She was decked in the most beautiful outfit and she had a feather touch.  At first, I was shy.  But then, I relaxed, touched her, caressed her.  I don’t want to get into the details….  and then we went to sleep.

Early morning I was awakened by her sweet ring – Tring   Tring…

And then the days of our honeymoon began.

You have heard of men who pamper their women with handbags, shoes, nailpolish, mascara, perfumes etc etc.  Well I started pampering my partner with accessories too – An armband, a different case for each day of the week, spare batteries, screen protectors, a stereo Bluetooth adapter, wireless speakerphone, and even a dock powered by tube amps

She introduced me to all her relatives  right from the smallest ipod nano, ipod shuffle, ipod classic, ipod touch, Macbooks and the iPad.  They were all so charming that I considered myself lucky to be a proud member of the Apple family.

Every day she would wear new apps  – one day facebook on her menu would beckon me to dare to caress its button ,  the next day  twitter winks at me and entices me with her latest tweets, the next day foursquare .   When I was hungry – she would show me the nearest restaurants

When I was lost .. her GPS would show me the shortest route.  And when I was in a playful mood she would present  fruit ninja, cut the rope.angry birds.  If I was bored she had music, she could take pictures on her camera…. When it was dark and scary, she would light up my path.  When I was  at a loss for words, her dictionary would help me out.  She had an answer to all my questions.  What more can you ask from your wife?

Then one fine day, I realised, I was being overwhelmed by her.   – she was a wolf in sheeps clothing.  She had taken control over my life.  She had made me a vegetable.  I remember – that I would occasionally go for a jog, skating or cycling.  But now I could not leave her for even a second.

I had forgotten the real world outside – things that I loved – nature, the sea, sun , the stars and my family.  I said…. enough is enough.   Please do not cling to me anymore.  I cant be with you 24 hours of the day.

My dear friends if you do not want this  marriage to technology to ruin your life then you have to learn to balance your virtual life and your real life.

By the way the iphone5 is really nice – you know?

Thank you!

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